Scorpio Humor – Centering the Christmas Tree

bigstock Happy Couple 4161955 300x214 Scorpio Humor   Centering the Christmas TreeScorpio – The Master of Relationships – At Least According to Me

People seem to enjoy my humor so I decided to include a little snippet each Monday. Most of this humor is based upon real life incidents with Linda and me but are slightly exaggerated. You may see a little of my Scorpio CType and Linda’s Sagittarius CType here. You may also see a little of your relationships in these little bites of levity. Enjoy and I hope these brighten your Monday’s in some small way.


In healthy relationships, it’s all about growing together as a couple–self and shared growth. It’s been a great year. I went back to school to improve my spelling and grammerer so as to become a better writer. I found the learning fascinating and, as might be expected, I improved dramatically. True, I are not validicktorian of the class, but I did outscore a very interesting guy who had been raised by wolves. But enough about me.

Happy Holidays! And now to the real spirit of Christmas. I’ve been busy helping Linda prepare for the holidays. My jobs are usually quite menial as she wrongly intuits that I’m prone to miscalculation and error. However, I am responsible for the most important task of all—It’s putting the tree securely in the stand and centering it so it stands tall and straight in its full magnificence.

This year was especially poignant as Linda found the most beautiful, full, symmetrical, Christmas tree in our now 36 years of picking, attaching, centering, turning, moving and elevating trees of this ilk. In my mind I was already singing Joy to the World as it appeared more and more likely that this would be a tree and a Christmas for the ages.

I carefully centered the tree on the stand with a steady hand and an eye for detail that would have made Michelangelo proud. Perfect! Never better. However, once we had moved the tree from the driveway to the “perfect spot” in the house, the tree appeared to lean slightly. Ah yes. Of course. The driveway slants and the living room floor is flat. What to do?

In a blinding flash of intellectual insight (not to mention a time saver), I cleverly decided to prop up the side of the stand that had faced downhill on the driveway thereby bringing this leaning tower back to vertical. True genius.  Nine “O Magazines” did the trick beautifully. (Just a side note: How does Oprah get so many cover shots on this thing? She must know someone.)

Back to the tree. Linda sometimes is skeptical of my brilliance. After completing my well thought out adjustments, she questioned if it wouldn’t make more sense to re-center the tree rather than prop one side of the stand with nine inches of Oprah. I couldn’t believe my ears. The job was masterful. Everything was perfect. Let’s get to decking the halls and trimming the tree already. My shrill wails of protest worked. She retreated from her irrational lack of faith to the more accepting stance of a grudging roll of the eyes saying, “Okay honey, if you’re sure.” My retort was as it always is, “Of course I’m sure. Have a little trust.”

For hours Linda garnished the tree, first with lights and then with cherished bobbles, colorful globes, cheery bows and her special little Italian decorations. When complete, we both nearly wept at its beauty. No doubt about it. This would be a Christmas to remember.

Approximately nine hours later the tree fell over. It seems that opposing cover shots of Oprah’s face are quite slick and tend to slide away from each other. As Oprah’s face blew retreat from the pile, the top of the tree, just like the driveway, headed south. For those of you who have read “The Tipping Point,” that’s what happened to the top of the tree. When a critical mass of missing Oprah faces was reached, gravity took over.

When the tree pitched southward, down and across the living room, it carried with it its full complement of lights, cherished bobbles, colorful globes, cheery bows and special little Italian decorations. The resulting explosion of pine needles and colorful bits of fine glass upon the newly resurfaced hardwood floor, prized coffee table and resident living room furniture was spectacular, I’m sure. But if a tree falls in the living room and no one is there to hear it, does it really make a sound. Definitively, the answer is a resounding YES! Linda was somehow alerted that something was amiss in the living room and went to investigate. The scream from the living room similarly aroused me from the traditional nap I always need prior to cleaning the garage. Had the volume on “Days of Our Lives” been somehow cranked to the max? I, too, went to investigate.

Upon seeing what gravity had done, Linda remained calm and cool. However, in that cute Italian way of hers, she did express some concern over my role in what gravity had done. Without being there, it’s difficult to imagine what actually flowed soothingly out of Linda’s mouth and into my ready ears.

At first I pleaded innocence. I don’t run the universe and I certainly don’t have any power over gravity. When that didn’t work, I blamed it on Oprah. If the damn covers weren’t so slick, this would never have happened. I promised to cancel my O subscription and write a nasty letter to Groucho, who runs the Oprah thing from somewhere in Chicago. When that argument too appeared doomed, I did what any man worth his salt would do—I pleaded for mercy, offered to buy her anything, fly her to Italy to replace everything, get her a ride on the space shuttle, clean the garage. My whimpering, whining, sniveling and other manly regressions appeared to help. Sort of. It seems I’ve lost another of my festive duties during the holiday season. My tree-centering duties will no longer be required. Instead, I will be redoubling my commitment to a pristine and orderly garage…right after my nap.

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